Funny Quotes - Page 364

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting.

I can go right, I can go left, I'm amphibious.

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.

It being a part of Mrs. Pipchin's system not to encourage a child's mind to develop and expand itself like a young flower, but to open it by force like an oyster.

I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France.

Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

It will work out, somehow. That's a hell of a duo right there, Marbury, Crawford and Houston.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.

This is the one-off occasion and you can't get any bigger occasion than that

Where the hell is Australia anyway?

You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are.

P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.