Funny Quotes - Page 370

It sounds funny, but the 2008 Olympics were something that just kind of happened, and I was lucky they came at a point when I was uninjured and well prepared. As a gymnast, you can't ask for much more.

Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian Cup?

There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not... she's got balls of steel.

There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It’s called Karoshi. I don’t want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.

The funny thing is most people don't approach me because they are scared, and that's fine, I want to keep it that way. But the thing is if you're not scared or get over it you learn that sometimes what you're scared of is really what you shouldn't be scared of.

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing--the giving of a tenth .

Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money.

Dirt's a funny thing,' the Boss said. 'Come to think of it, there ain't a thing but dirt on this green God's globe except what's under water, and that's dirt too. It's dirt makes the grass grow. A diamond ain't a thing in the world but a piece of dirt that got awful hot. And God-a-Mighty picked up a handful of dirt and blew on it and made you and me and George Washington and mankind blessed in faculty and apprehension. It all depends on what you do with the dirt. That right?

I have been called Taylor Lautner a few time which I'm quite happy about. You only have to look at us to see how funny that is but it's nice to pretend I might be hiding a Taylor six-pack under my shirt.

Girls, you know it's all just a game to them, relationships. Just go around stomping on everyone.... I mean, look at this poor guy in the background with his collar up. You know he's just gonna get ruined by women.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.