Funny Quotes - Page 379

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.

The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.

Besties before testes.

As I remember it, the bases were loaded.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

The economy in the Valley will need to grow if students want to come back and work with their specialized degrees. We need to develop more to create more opportunities.

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.