Funny Quotes - Page 380

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other eight.

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Socially, it is funny. People are annoyed because, really who is a clown?.

Folks always look good in their coffins.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

My life acccomplishments? Sanity, and you

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows them up.

Hide your gold, your faith and the reason of you journey.

All the great guitarists have a spirit-a way they play and don't play.

No man's credit is ever as good as his money.

Every American, to the last man, lays claim to a "sense" of humor and guards it as his most significant spiritual trait, yet rejects humor as a contaminating element wherever found. America is a nation of comics and comedians; nevertheless, humor has no stature and is accepted only after the death of the perpetrator.

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well The Rock knows exactly why that is; you've got a three foot nose you turn it sideways and stick it straight up Vince's ass!

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

In this world truth can wait; she is used to it.

There's nothing cute or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.