Fun Quotes - Page 150

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.

The plural of spouse is spice.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

Marry somebody you love. That's the whole thing. And continue to love them.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

I love the feeling that you get when you can really laugh with a man and be natural and not always think that there's a sexual element going on. For me, flirting with a man means making fun of myself and trying to open myself and be very unpretentious.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

If you love the game and you love playing, just have fun and enjoy it. Work hard and don't get bogged down by it.

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints - the sinners are much more fun.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The writer must be in it; he can't be to one side of it, ever. He has to be endangered by it. His own attitudes have to be tested in it. The best work that anybody ever writes is the work that is on the verge of embarrassing himself, always.

Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day.

If people are making fun of you, then you're probably doing something right.