Funny Quotes - Page 358

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

What good is the Moon? You can't buy it or sell it.

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'

Playing in Italy was like being in a foreign country.

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.

I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him.

Some things just couldn't be protected from the storm. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once the old things were broken off, amazingly beautiful things grow in their place.

I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting.