Funny Quotes - Page 359

One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

When asked by someone how much money flying takes: Why, all of it!

My first wife didn't like to fly, either.

Journalists belong in the gutter because that is where the ruling classes throw their guilty secrets.

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.

It's your money. You paid for it.

Old places and old persons in their turn, when spirit dwells in them, have an intrinsic vitality of which youth is incapable, precisely, the balance and wisdom that come from long perspectives and broad foundations

People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Always do whatever's next.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.