Funny Quotes - Page 360

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Questions are creative acts of intelligence.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

Thirty, thirty-five, forty, all had come to visit her like admonitory relatives, and all had slipped away without a trace, without a sound, and now, once again, she was waiting.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

The modelling was fun but I don't see it the same as music, because with modelling, I was just kind of lucky, I just fell into it. I got discovered at a train station when I'd just turned 15, I was working full-time by 16, moved overseas and then just kept at it and made it a life. Whereas with my music, I've really struggled through and worked hard, learnt how to write and I've kept developing that.

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

When I die, so does hip hop.

It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them!

Things that go on at Happy Times are very funny this year, and if you were watching last year, some of the people you saw then as basically extras emerge as real characters in their own right this season, at least to some degree.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

Blessed is the man who has found someone to do his work.

If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.