Funny Quotes - Page 357

At the finish, it was all over

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Foley looks like an un-made bed.

The ballgame is over...in this inning.

He many not be hurt as much as he really is.

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.

It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.

We hould totally make out right now

Hervey (Weinstein) thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

When a woman gives birth her waters break and she pours out the child and the child runs free.

Life is short. I'm years old. I've got years to go where I can be the best I can be. I want those years to be precious, not like before, cranking two or three movies a year. I've made a ton of movies in my life, but so what?

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.