Funny Quotes - Page 355

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.

Convey your passion and link your strengths to measurable results. Employers and interviewers love concrete data.

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.

On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball.

Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.

Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.

The funny thing about writing is I think a lot of people assume that you're sitting in a garret with a quill pen for hour after hour.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

Suppose they gave a war, and no one came?

Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.

But the peasants - how do the peasants die?

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

I reach for funny books all the time to help me get through life.

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed