Fun Quotes - Page 302

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

Bilingualism is for me the fundamental problem of linguistics.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Reality: What a concept!

So everything lets us down, including curiosity and honesty and what we love best. Yes, said the voice, but cheer up, it's fun in the end.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

The hippies had in mind something that they wanted, and were calling it freedom, but in the final analysis freedom is a purely negative goal. It just says something is bad. Hippies weren't really offering any alternatives other than colorful short-term ones, and some of these were looking more and more like pure degeneracy. Degeneracy can be fun but it's hard to keep up as a serious lifetime occupation.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30.

The best way to experience the power of fundamental choices is to make them.

The way you get democracy to function is by informing the public.

It is a ship with a great deal of sail but a very shallow keel.

I haven't had this much fun since the rats ate my baby sister

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

I got high, and forgot I wasn't supposed to get high.