George Burns Quotes - Page 4

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

Life's but a day at most.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

As long as you're working, you stay young.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

How can I die? I'm booked.