George Burns Quotes - Page 2

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

At my age flowers scare me.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.