Humor Quotes - Page 154

I've got a great sense of humor.

French name. English accent. American school. Anna confused.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

It's really easy to avoid the tabloids. You just live your life and don't hang out with famous people who are in the tabloids. Don't do anything controversial and be a normal person. Have friends. And get a job and keep working.

A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.

Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.

Today's business and health care climate may not be pleasant. Cutbacks, pay cuts and layoffs do not make anyone's job easy. But that does not mean that the humor need stop.

When we are dealing with death we are constantly being dragged down by the event: Humor diverts our attention and lifts our sagging spirits.

Humor can be one of our best survival tools.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

The heart wants what it wants.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

Humorists always sit at the children's table.

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!