Funny Quotes - Page 193

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"

Whether women are better than men I cannot say - but I can say they are certainly no worse.

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.

It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never learn anything from history.

Volleyball anchored me at a time in my life when I needed it. It gave me a reason for being this big, big girl.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.