Funny Quotes - Page 181

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." "I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." And then he took me to the bed.

When I got up I stuck to my plan - stumbling forward and getting hit in the face.

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.

History, of course, is never real. People either glorify it or horrify it. Or at the very least color it.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

If only faces could talk.

I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid.

One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.

All art is quite useless.

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they already have done a good pruning job.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Rally points scoring is twenty for the fastest, eighteen for the second fastest, right down to six points for the slowest fastest.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"