Funny Quotes - Page 178

You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!

Approach your guitar intelligently, and if there are limits, don't deny them. Work within your restrictions. Somethings you can do better than others, some things you can't do as well. So accentuate the positive.

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!

Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.