Humor Quotes - Page 83

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

Humor can help you cope with the unbearable so that you can stay on the bright side of things until the bright side actually comes along.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

If the blood humor is too strong and robust, calm it with balance and harmony.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

The past does not equal the future.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.