Humor Quotes - Page 107

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him.

If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

And, when the votes are counted, let everybody, including the candidates, get into a good humor as quick as they got into a bad one.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

A witty saying proves nothing.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Great men are rarely isolated mountain-peaks; they are the summits of ranges.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?